Adventures in Graduate School: Episode 1

Acceptance

Yesterday and the day before were exciting days.  For many reasons.  (They were sad as well, but I don't want to get into that right now).

If you've read past posts, there was a post about my personal statement thoughts process.  I was then, in the process of applying to a total of 8 different graduate schools.  Looking back, I was seriously distraught over filling out the applications, hoping that I didn't waste money filling out something hopeless.

So naturally, late January when I heard positive replies from 4 schools, I was shocked.

On Thursday, I was accepted to the smallest program that I applied to and visiting in the third weekend of February.  I was super happy to hear that they offered me admission, even though I felt like they were small and probably not a great fit for me.

Then on Friday, after being pestered by family and friends as to whether I heard back from my top school, I arrived home for the beginning of spring break and hopped on the family computer to check my email.  Amid the mass of junk I receive on a daily basis and class emails from our school's class website program sat an unimaginable subject heading: "Offer of Admission".  I didn't need to read the email to know the news.  Rejections are more subtle.  I opened the pdf containing my letter.  In not-so-flowery language, I've been accepted to my top choice of graduate school; a school I wanted to attend for undergraduate.

Somewhere between sobbing and jumping up and down, alone in my house of course, I managed to tell the important people.

I'm only unsure in one thing at this point, and that is can I find at least 5 professors to potentially rotate with.  I have another school option, one where I got to meet someone I would totally work for.  But I'm not as in love with their school as much.

So this week, I'm going to take the time to look through both schools and weight the options.  At the end of the week, I will have a decision.  And I will be on the road to being a PhD student (well sort of).  The future is bright.  I'm finally seeing the light at the end of this path that was dark and unknown for so long.

Writing and New Beginnings

Dear world.  I'm really stressed.  I actually miss school right now.  I miss spending three hours sitting in silence near my rock in the chemistry library on Friday morning.  I hate having to tell my friends that I will literally be gone for half of February.  I feel like I spend the rest of my time at school doing schoolwork, eating or sleeping.  I haven't been to lab and will not be back into lab until the week after next.

Earlier this week, I realized that the concept of new beginnings is so relevant for almost every part of life.  I had a new beginning moving to a new town for high school.  I had a new beginning when I started college.  I'm about to finish this wonderful time at school for another new beginning in July when I move to wherever I go to graduate school.  It seems like life is just a series of new beginnings, followed by a few years of dealing with those new situations.

Don't get me wrong, I'm very excited about where my life is headed.  I'm happy that I will be able to go to graduate school and pursue an awesome (if not occasionally frustrating) career of studying the things I love most (which is still unknown, I'm waiting for that moment of epiphany).  I'm excited to meet new people (despite my introversion) but I'm not ready to welcome all this newness.

When I graduate high school, I was ready to run away, to find new spirits in a place more open than my dreaded overly white, overly Catholic hometown which I so often felt trapped in.  I tell people my major is biochemistry.  But the life and education I've led over the past 4 years has been much more than that.  I've taken courses in Japanese, Mongol history, drawing, philosophy, modern fiction literature, virology, 2D design, queer theory, and creative writing.  It has been a rich education.  In every class, I've met someone to attach myself or whom attached themselves to me.  In high school, I ran face forward towards the exit, but I feel like I've spent part of my college life run backwards to the exit.  You know, when you are being chased and you turn briefly to look back and see what's behind you while continuing in the same direction?  That's me.  But instead of fearing what chases behind me, I'm so happy to look back and see what I've accomplished and all the love I've yielded over the years.  It's beginning to settle in how bittersweet this ending will be and I'm still two months away.  I want to leave as much of me there as well.  I want to leave the best me to the people I love.

Speaking on the subject of new beginnings, I recently wrote a short story for my creative writing class that I really made me happy.  We had critique workshop for it and I was shocked at the compliments it received and a lot of the criticism for it, I expected.  I've really fallen in love with my two characters and I cannot wait to edit it.  It's kind of a redemption story, about forgiving people.  At this point, I'm rambling.  But I have been up to a ton of things lately and this impending doom of the end of the school year has been creeping into my mind through most of it.

The Internet Filter

I miss the days of dial-up.  A lot.  Why?  Because could you imagine it taking 5 minutes to post a status?  But even before that, imagine how long Facebook would take to load on dial-up internet.  No one would have the time to put up complaints about life but maybe would only have time to tell the world the great day they've had.

I remember social networking was a new thing.  Sure there were people who just want to post their tits or dick as their profile picture on Myspace and you had to be invited to join Facebook way back when it first came out.

Social Networking, I feel is more beneficial to extroverts.  For the most part, extroverts don't have much of a filter towards people because they are more open.  They feel emotions outwardly.  For the introvert however, social networking is a disease.  They start to view the people on the other end of their friendslist as less human.  With 500 "friends" you've never tell half the stuff to, you post on Facebook anyways.  You take photos you would never show the public, but post on your wall.  You outwardly complain and tag the person whose guts you hate right now because that person doesn't seem as real online.

An introvert who posts statuses full of complaints and anger are crying out for help in a way they never usually do.

Earlier this year, I promised I would never post hateful, spiteful or anger statuses on my Facebook or Twitter.  My Facebook has turned into a profile of me sharing my love for the work others do, for art and for good Youtube videos.  My Twitter has been used to communicate with the art community for which most my followers belong.  As an introvert, I can honestly say that I post things on Facebook and Twitter that I would vocalize in real life.  I post things on my blog that I would vocalize in real life.

I want to leave this message for both extroverts and introverts: Skim through your Facebook.  Go back to when you first got it.  See what you've posted, the interactions you've had.  Do you see statuses that don't reflect you?  Do you see older posts that you can't believe you really posted?  Take time to ponder what you've written.  Understand why you post what you post on your Facebook wall, on your friends' Timelines and what 140 characters can really say about a person.
The next time you go to post on Facebook.  Type it out, read it out loud.  Ask yourself, would I say this to a friend in public?  Would I say this to an acquaintance in public?  Would I want to stand at a podium in front of my 500 Facebook friends and announce it to them?
The reactions they would have happen.  So if you can't imagine the above, think about posting that status you just typed.

~Ame

This class is killing me!

So, they say deaths come in threes.
I'm beginning to think that's true.  After Thanksgiving, I lost my aunt to ovarian cancer.  Two weeks later, one of my high school friends lost her dad to melanoma.  A little over three later, my 8th grade math teacher passes away.

I read the book The Fault in Our Stars by John Green, a wonderful writer who lives in Indianapolis.  I actually lost a chance to meet him when I was a senior in high school but I recently decided to pick up TFIOS again after letting it collect dust on my book shelf.

Through the experiences that have been had in the past couple of months combined with two good nights of sobbing over a fictional story, I decided that death is a very sad thing.  We don't know what death feels like; is it painful, is it peaceful?  Does the breath just leave you and you fall into oblivion?  Does it look easy on the outside, and your brain screams on the inside?

I'm not asking because I have a suicidal wish but because people these days say a multitude of things that have nothing to do with death but involve some form of it.  When I neglect to tell my friend something he wants to know, his response is "you're killing me."  When you are preparing for a final in that difficult inorganic chemistry class, "this class will be the death of me, I know it."

I know most people through around the words death, dying and being killed like its simple, colloquial even and means nothing in everyday speech.  But, I'm not killing my friend by not telling him things.  And inorganic chemistry, while a pain, isn't going to lead you to your death bed before you finish the final and actually pass the class.

Why does this matter, Ame?  For about three or so weeks, I have been trying to eliminate those words from my vocabulary unless they are in the proper context.  Why am I doing this?  Because death is a sad event.  It comes to us eventually whether by old age, sickness or more violent means.  But unless someone is murdering you, they aren't killing you and if inorganic chemistry is not a deadly virus, it is also not going to kill you.

These are just my thoughts, trying to change the way people say things.

Life is Fragile

Today, I found out that one of my good friends from high school's father passed away.  He had stage IV melanoma for only a month.

I've been reminded lately how fragile life can be; cancer recently took the life of my Aunt.  And after yesterday's tragedy in Connecticut, I'm feeling an abundance of sadness.

Tomorrow, however, I will be strong for my friend because I know what its like to lose your father.  I know what it's like to be in college and far away, and I hope she got all the opportunity in the world to see him before he passed away.  I know that those moments can't make up for a lifetime that will be lost; for future moments that won't happen now.

I'm feeling down as well.  This man was very into participating in the things that his kids loved, like winterguard and marching band.  Everyone knew him and he was always working for the crew.

So tomorrow, it will be hard.  But I hope I can be strong.

How to Not Behave When You Have a Boyfriend

First off, I'd like to note that, no, I'm not jealous of my friend.  In fact I find it quite hilarious and also sad that she is acting like this.  On another, I hope this is a learning experience.  I've definitely learned from watching this event on the outside.

Lemme give you a few fake names here.  First we're going to talk about Bee, one of my friends.  She's getting a little far off my bff platform (I'm an INFJ, there's a large void where friends should exist, coating a small but wonderful inner circle and surrounded by a sea of acquantainces which haven't attempt to cross the void yet) and well Bee just got a boyfriend.

I cannot correctly say this is her first, but I can say if it isn't it has been a fairly long time since the last.  Bee is my age (senior) and her new found love is a sophomore.  They've been dating for around 5 or so weeks now.  For the most part, I have no idea what's going on except for the bit I hear in some context when my friends who live with Bee talk about this situation or when she talks about it.

Now, as an INFJ, I process facts a bit differently.  I can tell when people are lying or somehow construing reality in their favor.  So I've been processing a lot about this and its been burning me to know that my friends, who live in the house with Bee hardly see her anymore.

I never understood why a girl feels the need to throw themselves upon their man every second they aren't engaged in otherwise "important" situations (studying for Bee), and ignore their girlfriends.  Seems like a pretty crappy way to treat those that want to hang out with you too.

But Ame, you're just saying this because you are upset about the situation.

No, I'm not.  I hardly see Bee anymore so this is no different than any situation, though I do believe she asked me if I was going to ballroom one night just so she would know if she'd be introducing her boyfriend to another friend.  I politely said no because I had no intention of going, much less to meet the person that is taking time away from her other friends.

Here are some of my beliefs

• First off, I can't support a relationship that moves that fast, especially for someone I know to be quite, err, shall I say "innocent"
• Second, technically, I believe, like muscles, friendships require maintenance.  If you treat them poorly, you will anger them or even lose them
• Third, I would not expect friends treated like that to support you.  Meaning, when your man hurts you and you come crying back to them, they'll probably be somewhat thankful, cause it means they get to spend time with you.

I'm not saying my friends believe this, it is of course just my opinion.  Since I'm out of this social situation (and very glad not to be there but will still support my friends) I can't say what anyone else feels.

I just want one thing to be taken away from this: Your boyfriend may be the new greatest thing to happen to you.  Losing yourself in his world is not a way to live.  Unless you know you are going to be with him forever, at some point you will get in a fight, have a disagreement.  At some point you will want to talk to those people with whom you live.  You will want them to take your side and be sincere.  So if you are spending ever other minute with him, think for second: how many times have you actually spent time with the people you call friends lately?  If you can't answer with a relatively good positive number, maybe you should decide to take some time away from boy and spend with your plethora of friends.  Have a girls' night out once a week or a girls' night in.  Tell them you won't talk about your boy toy and that you just really want to spend time with them.

You'll probably wonder if this actually has any benefits for you.  You'll be happy to know it does.  Here's a list:

• You will be able to maintain your social skills (you can't improve them with one person)
• Your friends will feel the love (if you don't care about them, that's sad, and I feel more sorry for them)
• Your friends will be more likely to accept your relationship in a positive light
• It's healthy for you to maintain good friendships.  You won't want to tell your boy everything, trust me.

Finally, your friends will have more positive feelings towards your boyfriend.  You want them to like him too.  If your girlfriends don't it's a sign you are mistreating them, or they know he's mistreating you.  They have good judgement.  Don't you want to be able to bring him to social functions as your plus one without your friends fearing it.

I know it sounds a bit selfless, but how is it any different than giving all your time to your boyfriend?

An Open Letter to Black Friday Shoppers

Dear Black Friday shoppers,

I just made my way back from a little adventure to my local art supply store to utilize a good coupon to buy some card supplies for the DeviantArt Holiday Card Project.  I usually don't do black friday shopping, but I was hoping to get a cheap deal since the project is for charity.  As I walked up to the checkout lane, I began to feel sorry for the workers who had gotten to work there at 4pm today, perhaps missing the best part of Thanksgiving day.  So once I had paid for my items and the cashier was handing me my receipt, I told him, "Thank you for working on Thanksgiving".  He seemed shocked that I would say this.

I work at a grocery store and today I had to work until 3 pm.  While I've been used to working every Thanksgiving, I've been fortunate enough to always be able to go home in the early evening to finish cooking dinner with my family and enjoy the evening.  But throughout my day, I hear a variety of comments on my "situation".  Usually they are thanks for working during that day, but occasionally, I get the "oh, yeah, you'll get off soon enough".  I'm not bitter or anything, but I miss the normal Thanksgiving traditions of waking up in the morning, watching the Macy's parade and helping bake pies and cook dinner while spending time with family.  I can't be thankful enough to have the evening free, but this year retail stores seem to want to open their doors early on Thanksgiving evening.

Tonight, retail workers have started earlier this evening to prepare their stores for the oncoming Black Friday.  Many of them did not get to choose the schedule that they work during the week and while they will smile and greet you kindly come early tomorrow morning and throughout the day, they may have time taken from their families on Thanksgiving in order to feed your need to get good deals on some nice material goods.  So when you go through the checkout lane tomorrow, after you've rushed and harassed your way to that special item, remember to thank your cashier, the associate who helped you find the cheap TV or gameset, the manager that opened his store on Friday evening to let shoppers in early.

Happy shopping,
Ame

P.S. - obviously this is directed to those whose full time jobs give them Thanksgiving and Black Friday off

P.P.S. - If you are offended by this letter, I'm sorry.  A little.